Like family therapy, couples therapy is not an individualistic approach to therapy.  Rather, the therapist concentrates on the partnership that exists between the two individuals.  In fact, it is not uncommon to hear the therapist tell the couple, “I am not working for either of you.  My job is to work for the success of your relationship.”  It is the relationship that needs to be healed, not one or the other of the partners.  You can't bring your partner to therapy, in other words, and simply say "fix him/her" as if by fixing one person the problems will go away.  The problem goes away when the relationship itself changes and becomes more functional.

Interestingly, marriage and family difficulties account for about half of all visits to a therapist, and most therapists who specialize in family therapy spend much of their time working with couples (Harvard Mental Health Letter, March 2007).  This is not surprising when one considers that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and of these, half of the marriage dissolutions involve children.  S.M. Greene, et al. (2003) elaborate upon these startling statistics.  They write:

In the United States, 40% of all children experience a parental divorce, with nearly 90% placed primarily in the physical custody of their biological mother.  These single-parent arrangements are often short-lived given that half of all divorced individuals remarry within 4 years.  Respective remarriage rates vary by gender: 65%
Interestingly, marriage and family difficulties account for about half of all visits to a therapist, and most therapists who specialize in family therapy spend much of their time working with couples.
 

for women and 75% for men.  Thus, one-third of American children eventuallywill become members of a stepfamily.  A focus on only formal changes in union formation such as divorce and remarriage is likely to underestimate substantially the number of transitions and reorganizations that children and parents experience as part of postdivorce family life.  Informal arrangements in the form of nonmarital cohabitation havebecome an increasingly common antecedent or even an alternative to remarriage.  In fact, about one-fourth of all stepfamilies consist of these nonmarital cohabitating unions.  Proportionally greater numbers ofpostdivorce couples choose to cohabitate with about three-fourths of adults cohabitating before a second marriage, in contrast to one-third before a first marriage.  Cohabitation effectively cuts in half the time a child will spend in a truly single-parent postdivorce household, dropping the median duration from 7 to 3.7 years before the family is joined by a live-in partner.  Half of these cohabitating unions are short-lived, ending within a year either through separation or remarriage.  Thus whereas about 20% of children experience the dissolution of their parents’ second marriage, many more will encounter multiple family transitions relating to changes in nonmarital cohabitating arrangements (pp. 97-98).

Interestingly, many couples choose cohabitation thinking that it will prepare them for marriage, when and if that day should ever arrive.  However, statistics do not bear this out.  According to Greene, et al. (2003), “Risk for divorce in a first marriage doubles for couples living together prior to marriage and is 25% higher for those whose own parents divorced” (p. 98).  In addition, couples run a greater

 According to Greene, et al. (2003), “Risk for divorce in a first marriage doubles for couples living together prior to marriage and is 25% higher for those whose own parents divorced” (p. 98). 
 

risk of divorce “if their interaction involves escalation or reciprocation of negative affect, disengagement, stonewalling, contempt, denial, and blaming” (Greene, et al., p. 99).  As John Gottman (1999) points out, the success of a marriage is found in the little things that develop a positive, less conflictual marriage context, and one negative can dissolve anywhere from 5 – 20 acts of kindness depending upon the environment.

All of this means that marriage and couples counselors will not lack for business anytime soon.  However, the hope of marriage and couples therapists is that couples can find a committed relationship that elicits an intimacy grounded in a deep and abiding love.  By doing so, the hope is that the couple will become a part of what sex therapist David Schnarch (1991) calls the “blessed few.”  The problem is that in a consumeristic, immediate gratification society that believes people just “fall in love,” couples tend to rush into relationship expecting them to magically congeal and forgetting that any relationship, and especially a marriage relationship takes preparation and are perpetuated only through a great deal of effort on the part of both partners.  It is to this process that marriage and couples therapist commit themselves in the following ways:
 
Pre-marital counseling:  Unfortunately, many who wish to enter the marriage relationship think this type of counseling is unnecessary because they have already figured everything out, or they are afraid the therapist will try to talk them out of wedding.  This is not true.  Pre-marital therapy is designed to help the couple consider many of the pitfalls that become problematic to the marriage relationship,  Such counseling covers topics such as family of origins and their impact upon the couple’s relationship; realistic vs. unrealistic expectations in the marriage relationship; economic issues such as budgeting; starting a family; communication skills; sexual intimacy and marriage models that will help them understand the marriage relationship in greater depth. Back to top
Working with couples to help them adjust to the family life cycle.  Just as we should get a physical once a year and take care of our physical health, so it is wise for couples to every once in awhile consider their mental well-being.  This is especially true as couples move through the family life cycle, which begins with a committed relationship, moves through having children, grandchildren and retirement.  Each of these stages have their own peculiar challenges and the wise couple will not wait until they are in crisis before seeking help in some of these transitions. Back to top
Working with couples in crises:  When the emotional bank account of a committed relationship goes into overdraft mode, then even positives behaviors of a partner can be received negatively by the other partner.  When a relationship is in crises, it is imperative that the couple receive help.  They should not procrastinate.  Often, if the problem is addressed early enough, the relationship has a greater chance of successfully overcoming the challenge.  However, if the couple allows the crises to grow, repairing the relationship becomes much more difficult.  If your relationship is in crisis, don’t wait.  Seek therapy right away. Back to top
Issues of intimacy and sexuality:  According to sex therapist, David Schnarch (1991), a couples’ sex life is either functional, dysfunctional or they are a part of the blessed few.  He has discovered that where a couple is on this continuum depends upon their ability to communicate and nurture intimacy within their relationship.  All too often a partner in relationship allows themselves to be defined to completely by the other partner and when this happens, communication and intimacy suffers.  Couples therapy helps people find their own space in the relationship so that they can have the energy and perspective to nurture their relationship and become one of the blessed few. Back to top
Issues of infidelity and forgiveness:  Nothing undermines a relationship more completely than dishonesty and infidelity.  Both steal the heart of the relationship by eroding that which is so essential to a successful relationship…trust.  While it is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity, it is not easy and requires what Janis Abrahms Spring (2005) calls “genuine forgiveness,” a process that involves both partners in the difficult work of reestablishing trust through integrity.  A couples therapist is trained to facilitate this process. Back to top
Spirituality and Spiritual Abuse:  Studies have repeatedly demonstrated that a faith community that emphasizes compassion, caring, forgiveness, transcendent meaning and hope can not only improve the mental health of the faithful, but can improve their physical health as well (Kernberg, 2000; Koenig & Larson, 2001; Harrison, et al., 2001).  But some religious communities can have an opposite effect, teaching that women should submit to their husband regardless of how violent they may become, practicing harsh forms of punishment on a spouse and/or children because the “Bible teaches such practices,” and creating environments of fear that harbor depression instead of hope.  In this case, religion becomes the source of abuse called “spiritual abuse.”  When this happens, a couple and indeed, a family can fall into crisis.  Couples therapy by one trained in theological issues can help a couple deepen their faith so that it lends its self to mental well being and a couples therapist can help those who have been spiritually abused. Back to top
It is too easy to take our relationship to our significant other for granted and when this happens, it is easy for a relationship to lapse into crisis.  If your relationship is in crisis, call Dr. Anderson.  He can help.  If your relationship is not in crisis but you wish to deepen your intimacy, trust and spirituality in the hopes of becoming one of the blessed few, give Dr. Anderson a call as well.  It is easier to make a good relationship better than waiting until a time of crisis threatens an end to your relationship.

References:

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically-based marital therapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Greene, S. M., Anderson., E. R., Hetherington., E. M., Forgatch., M. S., & DeGarmo, D. S. (2003). Risk and resilience after divorce. In F. Walsh (Ed.), Normal family processes: Growing diversity and complexity (3rd ed., pp. 96-120). New York: The Guilford Press.

Kernberg, O. F. (2000). Psychoanalytic perspectives on the religious experience. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 54(4), 452-476.

Koenig, H. G., & Larson, D. B. (2001). Religion and mental health: Evidence for an association.  International Review of Psychiatry 13, 67-78.

Harrison, M. O., Koening, H. G., Hays, J. C., Eme-Akwari, A. G., & Pargament (2001).  The epidemiology of religious coping: A review of recent literature. International review of psychiatry, 13, 86-93.  Duke University Medical Center.

Schnarch, D. M. (1991). Constructing the sexual crucible: An integration of sexual and marital therapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Spring, J. A. (2005). How can I forgive you?  The courage to forgive, the freedom not to. New York: Perennial Currents.

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